New Beginnings

My mind is most active immediately after waking. And I'm so thankful for that. It's that same rambunctiousness that helps me get errands and chores done by noon on a Saturday or complete a full day's work before the sun sets. It's also what triggers waves of "Aha!" moments when I'm sipping coffee or brushing my teeth.

I'm so happy that today my morning energy sparked an amazing revelation about loving myself: I realized for so many years, I've said "I can't do this.." or "I can't do that..." in regards to loving another, OR "I don't know how to...". I'm excited because it just hit me that those are lies. I AM wired to love and be loved. I CAN trust and accept love...I'm just scared to. And that is a HUGE difference than not being able to do something. But the thing is since remembering I'm wired to love and be loved, I really can pinpoint when I started think otherwise...and it makes me excited. I'm excited because that which I've feared for so many years - intimacy and vulnerability, uncertainty and rejection - actually generates a thrill in me now like a giddy school girl. Another thing that got me thinking was how many new beginnings I've had in the past three years. Between moving multiple times and starting my life over to accomplishing goals I've had since I was a teenager. It's usually things like that we consider "new beginnings". But we also need to remember we can have new beginnings in ourselves. Rightfully so, we may run out of chances with other people, but every sunrise is proof that we (thankfully) never run out of chances with ourselves.

I remember a while ago I prayed for God to help me learn to love myself better so I can love better in return. And I also prayed to become more childlike - that innocence would be restored so I can be free of so much baggage that limits my ability to be who I'm supposed to be. I know it won'e come easily, but I'm thankful that my eyes have been opened to my misconceptions and faulty wiring. It's a daunting task to start again inwardly. It takes psychological, spiritual and emotional warfare to face ourselves, rehash our pasts and re-wire our minds & hearts. But the good news is as long as our heart is pumping blood through us, we have time to do it.

So, here's to being excited about going through shit because on the other side, there's always something to look forward to: a new beginning.