Loving myself in spite of myself.

"Your life is what your thoughts make it." - Marcus Aurelius

For the past few days, I've been battling some major fear, insecurity and anxiety. And especially in these past two nights, all these realizations keep coming to surface. Mainly, realizing exact moments that deposited these fears in me and finally understanding why these feelings are present. Since I was 12 I've struggled with depression. I dealt with most of those emotions by the time I was 21 and am thankful to have overcome much of that cloud. Now at 29 I am struck with my first panic attack since a few years ago and an eruption of baggage as a result from childhood and adult relationships.

A part of me is so angry because I wish I understood myself much longer ago. It would have saved me and loved ones a tremendous amount of pain. To finally understand that everything I've ever learned about relationships and love is wrong, to understand that I have not a fucking clue how to cope with intimacy, I don't know what a "healthy" relationship feels or looks like, I don't even know how to communicate in a healthy way. I am wrong in my approach to relationships and my fear of uncertainty. But I am getting there.

I know the basis for all this goes back to loving myself - ultimately, that will be the resolve to this. That and revisiting the cause for these feelings and overcoming my critical "inner voices". (Therapy, here I come!) I'm not saying this in a way of victimization or excuses for myself, not at all. I'm just so frustrated that no one told me this or that I didn't see this earlier. All those times in church and I've never learned a damn thing about self-love. And I'm actually seeing a lot of this was brought on by the church culture I threw myself in. But that's a story for another day. ( By the way, why are we not taught about this in school? This should be number one starting from preschool.) I think the most difficult thing about insecurity is if you act on it, you are hurting others, not just yourself. And that causes a vicious cycle of guilt, hurt and more anxiety compounding the challenge for self-compassion. That being said, I've sure had my practice of self-compassion these past two days.

The point of my writing this out on my blog is to keep myself accountable to the changes I want to make in my life. I deliberately speak out loud my goals - professional and personal. It's a step further from optimism - it's being intentional and committing yourself to a result, no matter the cost. So far this approach has helped me pursue my dreams and begin developing the life I've always wanted career-wise. Now I need to apply that same self-belief to personal growth and I know, like my choice to pursue my own career path, this is a road I'll have to walk alone. Subconsciously, my insecurities have led to me to seek resolve in relationships or in people. I didn't realize it before, but I realize that now. It hurts to confront these feelings, but it hurts even more to make the same mistakes over and over again and hold myself back from the outcomes I truly desire in my relationships, or even worse, to hold those I love back from getting what they deserve. I know I can't be alone in this.

So, this a reminder to myself, and anyone else who is experiencing something similar, to not follow your feelings of fear, anxiety and insecurity. But to challenge it every moment - to be really conscious of it, but to not act upon those feelings. (Those are mistakes I have made.) Instead, engage in battle with them and make peace with why they're there then replace them with the truth so you and your loved ones can have the life you deserve. I've finally made the choice that I'm worth having what I deserve - and that by choosing to trust, to give freely, to accept uncertainty, to accept love from another and to love with no expectation - that's also a part of loving myself. No matter what my parents taught me or how past relationships went down, I need to always choose myself, and contrary to what I was taught, the best way is usually NOT to guard your heart and pull away in moments of fear, but to give especially when you fear doing so.