A Lesson in Contentment

Growing up, contentment was often used as a point of reference, but mostly regarding wealth and possessions. While I've never really had issues being content with material things and money, I'm realizing I need to apply this to intangible assets, too. For example, being content with my lot in life right now and with who I am.

We're all made of so many components. A combination of nature/nurture, experiences, beliefs, values. As much as I wish it weren't so, we inevitably become a product of our worldview and maybe even a product of our emotional trauma. Recently, I've been confronted with a lot of issues in myself. Things that I didn't even realize had such power over me ... until I put myself in a given situation. My fears, my paranoia, my anxiety - all came up at once again like torrential rain in the middle of summer. I thought I was ready to be in a relationship, but am clearly seeing my need to step back and indulge in some me time. I thought I didn't need more me time, after all, I'm very secure with myself as a whole person, but not at all with those who try to love me. I quickly began becoming someone I didn't like - overbearing and needy. And, honestly, I don't know how to fix it. Then it hit me. A major reason I was beginning to become insecure about trusting someone else's feelings for me and second guessing their every move, was because I wasn't content.

Instead of appreciating words or affection, I just selfishly demanded more. In a relationship, I'm supposed to give, not take. And that was a huge red flag for me. Acting as if somehow more calls or more time could equate to my acceptance of that person and what they have to offer. Nope. It wouldn't. More of those things could never be enough because I wasn't trusting already. I wasn't accepting what they offered because I was not content in my own skin. I made a mistake many of us do at one point: I claimed personal responsibility for past hurts. I victimized myself. In reality, a past betrayal has nothing to do with me, but only the person who committed the crime. This is a really large pill to swallow for me because it goes against everything I feel. You know that saying, "time heals all wounds"? That's bull shit. I don't think time heals anything, but buries it until it's time to come out and that wound has been wrung, salted, licked and made raw all over again. How do I separate every individual from my past disappointments? I guess the first step is to remind myself that every person is different and each circumstance new. To not only be alone, but give myself permission to accept my shortcomings and be content with my baggage. And to understand and believe that I'm not my wounds. My wounds have no part in who I am, yet, I keep them so close with my identity. I have to put my identity, my confidence, my strength in the right sources again. Reminding myself that I'm not a victim helps tremendously! I think it's really a mental discipline that will manifest into healed emotions over time. I've had to fight bigger battles and it's definitely true that what we believe is what we become. So, I'm just going to have to go in the trenches again. To reconstruct my thoughts so my feelings can follow, instead of having my feelings lead my mind. I am remorseful over how long it took me to realize this. I'm a little sad at how my thoughts could have given me such different results with my life. But, it really is a learning curve. A huge weight has been lifted off me knowing that I am in control of my feelings, my anxieties, and in my ability to trust. It's just a matter of being strong enough to dissuade those false feelings and reminders of the past. Thank God it's never too late to start over - I really don't want a dog to be my only companion forever!