Confuse-ious

I have to be honest. I struggle with deep anxiety regarding my innermost desires. My deepest thoughts, my greatest passions, my heart of hearts - all of these seem to contradict that which I have been told is "right for me". I'm constantly struggling against myself. I wonder if what I am doing - at almost every moment - is what I am meant to be doing. Rather than being present in each moment, I lurk in distant lands of worry and dread, fear and paranoia. Yes, that does sound crazy (and I may be a little), but I am just being honest. I don't know the root of all my irrationality - perhaps the fear of never being accepted by the one who I desire be accepted by most - God.

Whatever the reason, self-doubt plagues my every move. Over time, I've learned to shed my skin of unsurety. But it is much easier said than done. It certainly doesn't help that my whole life people have made decisions for me, and have told me "what to think" and "what to do". Until quite recently, in fact. I was so weak minded and spineless. Thankfully, I've broken out of that and nowadays am able to shake the recurring doubt. All this to bring me to ask a question that burns inside of me:

Why do people think it is okay to tell people how to live?

It is absolutely one thing to kindly say to someone, "hey, I'm worried about you because of ..." or "hey, I just need to tell you something that's been on my mind...". Fine, get it off your chest. But don't bring it up everytime you see them. Such fuming builds resentment. What's really eating me is the way someone who is very close to me treats me. She disapproves of my very serious boyfriend and lets me know. Why? Because she doesn't agree with it - because it is not right for her. I think almost anyone who is romantically involved with someone in the hectic restaurant industry can feel my pain: the family and friends who see me all alone think "how could she live like that? she deserves better! He is no good for her!"I cannot tell you the amount of rage inside me when I receive comments similar to these. And yet....I probably do the very same thing more often than I realize.

It kills me to know that at times even I become the things I hate. I try to tell people what is right or wrong because "I know best". Hell, even if I am right about something, that gives me no right to tell them how to live. Sure, giving friendly advice is one thing, but to talk down to people, to cut down their ideas, to trample their well-intentioned hearts, well that is not the way to love, though some would say it is. That is just plain carelessness.

I am so guilty of doing the very thing to others that is done to me. I guess it is karma. Whatever the reason, I'm glad I'm given the opportunity to feel the hurt, rage, and helplessness that I do when being falsely accused, disrespected, or trampled on. It reminds me of how others feel if I treated them the same way.

See, folks, this is why we all need to keep journals! To hash issues out and circle back to why and at the end of all the hating and bashing we realize....crap, I'm just like them!